It's been a very long time since someone told me how sad or horrible or painful it is to talk to me. I know many might think that I'm insane, but how many of you faced these words from the most loved ones in your life. I know the answer " Probably every one do" and I also know this will be just a moment of sadness and I'll forget all about it later but well this time I want to pen it down ... really I want to .. :)
A friend of mine told me, that I'm thinking every thing in the wrong way. According to her, we always need to be in constant contact with the loved ones so that they will never miss us and we dont end up fighting. I was listening, she then said all you need to do is call them in the morning, in the afternoon, in the night and in between whenever possible to make them feel safe and that we care for them. If we dont, they will never miss us ... :) But why do I always think or thought in a different way ..? no matter how long it's been since we have seen or spoke, it's something about that very moment that makes you think, and you wish, that they are were here right with you. yes, you miss them and you even cry I guess. Sure there are times I think otherwise too ( like accepting what she said) .. but what I thought all these years was if I did what my friend said we have to do for a healthy relation .. it would be an unhappy relation. Well what was going on in my mind was .. if I go behind them all the time one day they might just say we had enough with you and dont push us too much or they might ask me questions like why do you want to know and y the hell do u bug me for things like this.. but .. I know this might sound super crazy .. but when I did or treated the people the way I thought would be good in any relation turned up very very bad .. I got the same questions I thought I would get but in my way :) .. like y do u care u never call .. y do u what to know now u never asked before and y the hell is this ur concern u have better things to take care of .. so I was standing there and believe me I was stumped when I heard those words .. so my friend is afterall right , I thought ...
It's kind of complicated, but I'll tell you this .. what a person want, what they expect and what they speak are completely different I guess [again] :). Like I said its complicated, and I think sometimes, why do I talk back to someone who stopped talking to me several years ago. I could just avoid them but why do that thought of "good times" always have to outweigh the other thoughts ? and is this just for me ? or does it happen to everyone who like someone in their life ? well the hardest part is we become normal,start caring and loving and hurting each other all over again .. and sometime later it will be all over and this story repeats and repeats and repeats ..
Phew, to tell you the truth, I don't want to question others, but I would love to know what's going on in their minds .. sometimes it scars me to know that I'm thinking too much or worrying too much about things happened in life .. but really .. do I have to put myself in that situation every single time ? I guess the answer is yes. Because that's what I'm.
Coming back to my friend .. she also said .. I give up quickly. Like I need to ponder my thoughts before actually acting them out. Ahh well !! here comes the conflict again, why would anyone want to be away from you ? or what would a friend/lover expect from you? a simple understanding and some love? or haunting them with why? what? where? and y didnt you?. Well she tells me, sometimes its good be like that. Only then they will know that I care and I love and I respect and what not everything that's nice :) .. but I have seen and tried to convince people otherwise ( oops my bad) . May be they need time for themselves to decide .. may be its time to rethink about somethings they did or I dont know .. how can I tell whats going on in someone else's mind right? so a little space is good I thought. And ask me what little space is may be an hour or may be 2 :) . Even though you are supposed be their best friend.. how could any one know what you are really thinking right. For eg: I guess none of my friends knows that I'm blogging or blabbering right now at this moment :P . Communication is the key I thought . Well, but the single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place :) and everyone has the right to interpret what I spoke or did in the way they understood it. But sometimes, they might understand the thing alright, but thats what I actually want them to understand :). Its like some one who said: "“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” So when I say this to my deary friend .. she says, well if something happens .. say you started to fight with a family member, a friend or your partner, we need to constantly be with them or call them or write to them just to make sure everything is ok. (I accept this part) and .. ask them why this is happening and what we planned or thought how to live our life together is not working ( I accept this too) and keep getting back to them everytime it happens and this will make the bond strong b/n us ( hmm I dont know).
If she is right, I guess there should be no frustrated parents, friends and no heartbreaks for couples .. everything should be ok after each and every fight? Aint I right? pushing them hard or pushing them to a point will give us nothing I thought .. or.. the factor called "attitude" is the key that can make a difference between damaging or deepening the same relationship. One should settle down or one should accept or one should understand or one should let go .. or I dont know :) .. but then I told her this too ( which makes me feel nicer about me :) ) " my dear.. I dont want to spoil what I already have by thinking about what I have not, and remember, what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for :) ". and I also told her if you ask the other person "why the hell is this happening b/n us" she should have also thought about the joyful times with the person and ask the same question "why the hell is this happening b/n us". So here comes my friend with rage and anger and says, see this is why you never end up having a stable relation in life .. none till now.. she says she accepts most of what i speak.. but in real world that will never work and these are only words and writing on a paper or my stupid blog :). So giving up on someone actually in her terms doesnt mean not caring or loving them but showing them how we actually do it. Then I thought, may be I need to call my mom, my brother and my other friends and apologize to them .. and say .. I dint think that you thought that I stopped caring., loving you guys. ( because most of the times I dont call /write/or I m insane ) I just thought that you might need a break and since time is called the healer, if not everything something should be ok. And may be then everything will be ok b/n all of us now ??
I do thank god for giving me a friend like this, we fight hell lot about issues like this, but every time I learn a new thing and every time, I discover that I ruined something already in my life :) .. I will accept.. I think she is right ....
Whatever it is whoever it is .. the one you love and the one who loves you back are never ever the same person. Their ideas , their thoughts, their life ( a small portion of which I too play a role) .. are all theirs and we cant control. Well if we did .. we might have all the power we wanted to, but the question comes right away can we control ourselves? can we ever master our own selves?. So may be always, like I said, we try to remember the things that made us happy when we were together and forget about all the things that are happening b/n us .. but remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of the things as they were .. because no matter what, we see what we want to see and we hear what we want to hear :)
I know I m a lil confused and blabbering all the things .. but I can tell you one thing for sure, past good or bad .. happy or sad .. is worth remembering. After 10 years, when I sit on a couch and close my eyes and think about what had happened in the past 20 years of my life .. it need not be wonderful but it should be worth pulling out a tear in your eye. Thinking back should not only make you happy, but also cry , because you should know you lived that moment in the way you wanted to live and gave what all you can to make others happy too .. and "the time" which changes people, should never alter our image in others hearts or minds ...
With all this said, I had my arm around her shoulder and said .. you are too good and too naive and you dont know what love actually is :P and then she patted me on my shoulder and said .. you are too beaten-up and you forgot what love is :) ....
"So True" I thought .. I remembered a lil conversation with my mom when I called her after several days of a big nasty fight with her ( I know I'm wrong .. but i thought she would settle down and things will be back to normal b/n us) she said "I know there's lots going on in your life .. and I know you have your own preferences, you remembered me now at-least that's good news - (she smiles I can hear it over the phone ) and I'm so happy for that .. I dont blame you and I dont blame you for calling me .. and I somehow just know that you will be ok. You have people who take care of you better than us and thats why I know you are ok .. "
I was listening too then .. all I thought is that things would settle down .. but later only to know my mom thinks I have so many people around me to take care of me .... this little conversation flashed into my mind .. and I never said a word after this to my friend .. and she kept on suggesting me ... so I kept saying to myself .. I'm sorry for what I'm .. and I kept on listening ...
